The Breakdown Nobody Talks About After Divorce
Beneath the anger, grief, and uncertainty is a deeper fear many men carry without even realising it.
When Life Falls Apart
As you’re reading this, there’s a good chance your life right now doesn’t look anything like you thought it would.
Maybe your marriage has ended.
Maybe it’s ending right now.
Maybe you’ve lost something else.
Your health, business or the sense of who you are.
Honestly, it doesn’t really matter what the trigger was.
Because what you’re feeling underneath it is often very similar.
The ground has moved beneath your feet. And no matter what you do, you can’t seem to find any traction again.
I know the feeling.
I spent years there.
The first thing I want you to know is this:
What you’re experiencing is normal.
Yep it’s painful, confusing and exhausting but it is normal.
Most men think they’re falling apart.
What is actually happening is something very different.
Their old identity is collapsing.
And that’s a confronting and exposing struggle to experience.
Because the man you thought you were no longer seems to fit the life you’re living.
For me, I thought I was grieving the end of my marriage.
And I was, but that wasn’t the complete story.
What I was really grieving was the loss of the man I thought I was.
The husband.
The family man.
The protector.
The man who knew what he wanted.
So when all of it disappeared, I felt lost, as I lost my identity.
And that’s where things get dangerous.
Because most men will do almost anything to avoid a loss of identity.
To avoid it some will throw themselves into work.
Some jump into another relationship.
Some numb themselves with alcohol, food, drugs, gambling, or pornography
Others stay busy every waking minute because being alone with their thoughts is unbearable.
I understand it.
Because sitting in the uncertainty of not knowing who you are is hard.
Really, bloody hard.
But in a lightbulb moment.
I realised that neither the pain not the loss of identity are the real problem.
Constantly running away from them is.
Now, I’m not saying you should wallow in it either.
I’ve seen men do that as well.
Years later they’re still telling the same old story.
Still angry.
Still blaming.
Still stuck.
That’s not healing.
That’s living in the swamp.
The goal isn’t to drown in the swamp nor is it to run from it.
The goal is to walk through this uncertainty.
To face it, slowly.
Painfully.
And imperfectly.
And this is where I think many men get caught out.
They want the process to be quick.
I certainly did.
I wanted answers.
I wanted certainty.
I wanted my old life back.
What I got was years of learning.
Years of journaling.
Years of meditation.
Years of getting things wrong.
Years of falling down and getting back up again.
Not because I was failing.
Because I was changing.
On reflection, I can see that beneath all the grief was a deeper fear.
A fear I didn’t even realise I was carrying.
The fear of not being chosen.
The fear of not being enough.
The fear of being abandoned.
There was a deep sense that divorce just confirmed something was wrong with me.
However what I couldn’t see then.
But I now realise that divorce didn’t create those fears.
It exposed them.
And once they were exposed, I had a choice.
Try to ignore them.
Numb them.
Or learn and grow through them.
Now you’re still with me so I’ll assume you’re in a similar place right now, I want you to hear this.
You do not need to have all the answers today.
You do not need to know exactly who you’re becoming.
You do not need to rush this.
You are exactly where you need to be and…
Your work right now is simply this...
Stay.
Stay with yourself.
Stay curious.
Stay willing to learn.
And when you fall down, and you will, get back up again.
Then do it again.
And again.
And again.
Because that is how men rebuild.
Not through perfection.
Through persistence.
I can’t promise this journey will be easy.
It won’t be.
Some parts of it will hurt more than you think they should.
Some lessons will come back around more than once.
But If you are willing to stay in the work long enough, something remarkable begins to happen.
The man who emerges isn’t a completely new person.
He’s not a different man.
He’s just more himself.
Less fearful.
Less attached.
More honest.
More grounded.
More capable of handling whatever life puts in front of him.
And perhaps for the first time in his life, he (you) can begin to realise that your worth was never dependent on being chosen by someone else.
That discovery alone can change everything.
If you are in this right now I want you to know that you’re not alone.
I've created the very thing I needed when I was here - it's designed to help you right now nothing more. If you want to find out more click the "Learn More" link below
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